Other funny jokes
...a project manager is a person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in one month.
Late one night a burglar broke into a house. He froze when he heard a loud voice say, “Jesus is watching!” Silence returned to the house so the burglar crept forward. “Jesus is watching!” the voice boomed again. The robber stopped dead in his tracks and looked all around. He spotted a parrot in a cage.
“Was that you?” asked the burglar?
“Yes,” answered the parrot.
The criminal sighed in relief and asked, “What’s your name?”
“Clarence,” said the bird.
“That’s a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar. “What idiot named you Clarence?”
“The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus.”
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class.
She came to the part where Chicken Little warns the farmer and said, "The sky is falling!"
The teacher then asked the class, "And what do you think the farmer said?"
Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said, "I think he said, Holy Sh*t! A talking chicken!"
Funny Husband & Wife Fight.. Husband: Can i hug you?
Wife: No!
Husband: i will buy you jewelry! ...
Wife: No!
Husband: i will buy you a car!
Wife: Still NO.
Husband: i will take you to world trip.
Wife: Still NO.
Wife to Husband: I was Mad, Fool and Rubbish that I married you
Husband Said: Yes dear but I was in love, I didn't notice.
Q: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.
1) Don't swim in the ocean.
Ninety-nine percent of all shark attacks happen in extremely large bodies of water aslo known as oceans. The way to determine if you are currently in an ocean is to taste the water, which should be salty.
2) Listen out for the music.
In the event that you are stupid enaugh to swim in an ocean, listen carefully for the music, as demonstrated in the wonderful documentary film Jaws. All shark attack are preceded by the "daah-da, daah-da" chords, which will graduallly become quicker as the shark gets closer.
3) Swim with fat people.
Try to sorround yourself with more appetizing companions. If you know them well, you might even try to switch their suntan lotion with A-1 Steak Sauce. This will definitely improve your odds.
4) Don't go into the water without a knife.
This is not to defend yourself but to stab the person (a.k.a the decoy) closeest to you in the case of a shark attack. Once you are sure the decoy is bleeding a lot.....swim for your life.
5) Don't panic
In the event that a shark actually bites you, try to remain calm. This really won't help you survive, but everyone else on the beach will appreciate you not screaming madly, as this is quite disturbing.
Do U know the diference between typical White and typical Black fairy
tale?
The typical White fairy tale begins like: "Once upon the time in the
kingdom far far away...."
The typical Black fairy tale begins like: "Y'all mothafuckaz won't believe
this shit!..."
In a Classroom the teacher asks.
Maria, go to the map and find North America
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct.
Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
Q: How many wizards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 2, one to hold the bulb and one to spin the room.
Q: If you have 4 apples and 3 oranges in one hand, and 3 apples and 4 oranges in the other, what do you have?
A: Very large hands!!