Funny Latest Jokes

My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.

Man in front of the mirror:
"Mirror, mirror on the wall, who has the biggest dick in the world?"
"I have!" wife says.

Chuck Norris doesn't turn off the lights, he turns on the dark.

I bought a thesaurus the other day. When it arrived, I found out all the pages were blank.
I don't have the words to express my anger.

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled,
"I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."
He turned around and said,
"So, you want me to stay?"

Q: What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?
A: Guardians of the Galaxy.

LSD causes users to lose weight. Obviously. You can't eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge.

My grandpa has the heart of the lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Q: What is Forrest Gump's password?
A: 1FORREST1