Other funny jokes

I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

Did you hear about the accountant with insomnia? He decided to try counting sheep, but he made a mistake and was up all night trying to find it!

Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.