How to survive a shark attack
1) Don't swim in the ocean.
Ninety-nine percent of all shark attacks happen in extremely large bodies of water aslo known as oceans. The way to determine if you are currently in an ocean is to taste the water, which should be salty.
2) Listen out for the music.
In the event that you are stupid enaugh to swim in an ocean, listen carefully for the music, as demonstrated in the wonderful documentary film Jaws. All shark attack are preceded by the "daah-da, daah-da" chords, which will graduallly become quicker as the shark gets closer.
3) Swim with fat people.
Try to sorround yourself with more appetizing companions. If you know them well, you might even try to switch their suntan lotion with A-1 Steak Sauce. This will definitely improve your odds.
4) Don't go into the water without a knife.
This is not to defend yourself but to stab the person (a.k.a the decoy) closeest to you in the case of a shark attack. Once you are sure the decoy is bleeding a lot.....swim for your life.
5) Don't panic
In the event that a shark actually bites you, try to remain calm. This really won't help you survive, but everyone else on the beach will appreciate you not screaming madly, as this is quite disturbing.
