Other funny jokes
Q: What's the difference between USA and a yogurt?
A: If you leave the yogurt alone for 200 years, it'll grow a culture.
I'm not racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Q:What's the difference between my girlfriend and my Christmas tree?
A:My Christmas tree looks good with the lights on.
An elderly British gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.
At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.
"You have been to France before, Monsieur?" the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically.
The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready."
The British gentleman says, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible. The British always have to show their passports on arrival in France!"
The elderly gentleman gave the French Immigration Officer a long hard look.
Then he quietly explained;
"Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D-Day in June 1944, and I couldn't find any fucking Frenchmen to show it to."
1945, Adolf Hilter died and went to Hell. Satan asked, "why are you in Hell?" He replied, "I am responsible for the massacre of millions" Satan said, "well done, sit to the right of my throne." 1953, Joseph Stalin died and went to Hell. Satan asked, "why are you in Hell?" He replied "I killed millions to stay in power" Satan said "good, sit to my left" 2010, Ronnie James Dio died and went to Hell, Satan asked, "why are you in Hell?" Dio replied, "Bitch, get off my throne!"
The Eskimo language has 17 different words for "snow" because it is such a central part of their daily life and pervades their reality. Similarly, the French have 14 words for "surrender".But what is the French word for victory?
... Nobody knows.
Q: Why pirates couldn't play cards?
A: Because the captain was standing on the deck.
Men have only two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, just make him a sandwich.
After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried
Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor.
The Pope says, "What can I do?" The Colonel says, "I need you to change the
daily prayer from, 0Give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘Give us this day
our daily chicken’. If you do it, I’ll donate 10 Million Dollars to the
Vatican."
The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord’s prayer and I can not change
the words." So the Colonel hangs up.
After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again.
"Listen Holy Father. I really need your help. I’ll donate $50 million dollars
if you change the words of the daily prayer from ‘Give us this day our daily
bread’ to ‘Give us this day our daily chicken.’"
And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church
could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many
charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord’s prayer, and I can’t
change the words."
So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible sales, the
Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, your Holiness. If you change
the words of the daily prayer from, ‘Give us our daily bread to ‘Give us this
day our daily chicken’ I will donate $100 million to the Vatican."
The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you ."
So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I
have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is
going to donate $100 million to the Vatican."
The bishops rejoice at the news.Then one asks about the bad news. The Pope
replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."
Forrest Gump died and went to heaven. When he got to the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance, a prospective Heavenly Soul must answer three questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T."
2. How many seconds are in a year? .
3. What is God's first name?
Forrest thought for a few minutes and answered .....
"1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow."
"2. There are 12 seconds in a year."
"3. It's Andy."
Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected, so your answer is correct. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year and why did you ever think that God's first name waseither Andy or Howard?"
Forrest responded, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc." "OK, I give," said Saint Peter, "but what about the God's first name stuff?"
Forrest said, "Well, from the song ... Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own..."
Saint Peter let him in without another word.