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Funny Dirty jokes

Man in front of the mirror:
"Mirror, mirror on the wall, who has the biggest dick in the world?"
"I have!" wife says.

9.75
2017-10-12 14:23:30

Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, found themselves standing before the Gates of Heaven.
St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Heaven is now overcrowded. St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I cannot answer or don't know, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven. If not, then you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. The philosopher disappeared and went to hell.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared. The mathematician read it and agreed it was correct. The mathematician also went to hell.

The idiot stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!"
The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that.

The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole."
The idiot went to Heaven.

5
2016-09-14 09:54:51

A husband an a wife r having a fight, the man calls the woman a bitch, the woman calls the man a bastard, the son says "wats a bitch an a bastard?" The parents say "ladies an gentlemen".
The next nite they r havin sex she is saying toch my titties and he says grab my dick, the son says " wats titties an dick?" They say "hats and coats."
The next day is thanks giving and the father is shaving and cuts him self and says "SHIT" the son says wats shit? The father says its my shaving cream. The son goes down stares where his mum is cutting the turkey and stabs herself "FUCK" she says, wat does fuck mean says son, it means stuffing the turket says the mother, [ the doorbell rings], "would u get that". The son answers the door to the relatives, " ok u bitches an bastards putt your dicks and titties in the cupboard, dad is up stairs whiping the shit off his face and mum is in the kitchen fuckin the turkey."

5
2016-09-14 09:54:51

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

5
2016-09-14 09:54:51

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, “Mom, what are those things on your chest?”
Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.
Johnny didn’t forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says,
“Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.” Johnny thinks that’s neat and asks no more questions.
A few weeks later, Johnny’s dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically,
“Daddy! Daddy! Mommy’s dying!” His father says, “Calm down, son! Why do you think Mommy’s dying?”
“Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy’s balloons and she’s screaming, ‘Oh God, I’m coming!’”

5
2016-09-14 09:54:51

Three men went Las Vegas and after a losing their money at the blackjack tables, the best friends decided to stay off the strip in a not so lavish hotel and the guy that owned it had 18 daughters so the first man went up to they’re father and said "can I sleep with your 18 daughters?" the father said "no but you can sleep with the pigs." the second man went to the father and said "can I sleep with your 18 daughters?" the father said " no but you can sleep with the cows." the third man said "can I sleep with your 18 daughters?" the father said "yes." so in the morning the three men and the father had a conversation over breakfast the first man said "I slept like a pig" the second man said "I slept like a cow" the third man said "I felt like a golfer" the father asked why? he said cause I got my balls in 18 holes.

5
2016-09-14 09:54:51

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion.
The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says,
"What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!". The other guy says,
"I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

5
2016-09-14 09:54:51

What's the speed limit of sex?
68 cause at 69 you gotta turn around

5
2016-09-14 09:54:51

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks,
"Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

5
2016-09-14 09:54:51

Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can go to sleep with the light on.

5
2016-09-14 09:54:51