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Other funny jokes

My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.

2018-05-07 08:07:19

I bought a thesaurus the other day. When it arrived, I found out all the pages were blank.
I don't have the words to express my anger.

2017-08-02 10:57:40

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

2017-08-02 10:43:27

Q: What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?
A: Guardians of the Galaxy.

2017-04-12 11:59:22

LSD causes users to lose weight. Obviously. You can't eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge.

2017-04-12 11:53:40

Q: What is Forrest Gump's password?

2017-04-10 12:27:23

Q: What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.

2017-02-02 13:38:15

The other night I was invited out for a night with the "girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him "MIDNIGHT"... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh shit" Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

2016-09-14 09:54:51

Q: Why can't you trust a woman?
A: How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die?

2016-09-14 09:54:51

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who offered a solution:
'The good news is that I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need -- a new suit.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.' The salesman eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.' Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'It's my job,' the salesman said.
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see 34 sleeve and ... 16 and a half neck.' Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'It's my job.'
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about new shoes?' Joe was on a roll and said, 'Sure.' The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, 'Let's see... 9 and a half ... wide.'
Joe was astonished, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'It's my job.'
Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?' Joe thought for a second and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said,'Let's see ...size 36.'
Joe laughed, 'No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

Joe: Faints.

2016-09-14 09:54:51