Funny Latest Jokes

A female officer arrested a man for drunk driving. The female officer tells the man:
"Sir, you have the right to remain silent Anything you say can and will be held against you."
The drunk replies, "Tits"

A barber runs out of his shop and down to the nearest corner where a policeman is standing.
"Officer," he asks, "have you seen a man run by here in the last few minutes?"
"No, I haven't. What's the problem?"
"The lousy cheat ran out of my shop without paying me!"
"Does this fellow have any distinguishing features?" the officer asked.
"Well, yes," the barber replies. "He's carrying one of his ears in his left hand."

Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired.
"Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.
"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee." 
"Oh, that’s awful!" 
"You’re not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."

A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient.
"I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today." the caller said.
"Are you light-headed? " my colleague asked.
"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."

Coach: "For a while it looked like we really had a chance."
Interviewer: "Then what happened?"
Coach: "The game started."

Q: Why is a pilot like a football player?
A: They both make a lot of touchdowns.

A nurse noticed a man in golf attire pacing up and down outside the operating room where another golfer who had a golf ball driven down his throat, was being treated.
"Is he a relative of yours?" the nurse, stepping outside the room, asked the pacing golfer.
"No," replied the man, "That's my ball!"

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players,
"Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach, "now go over there and explain it to your mother."

Q: How is an apple like a lawyer?
A:They both look good hanging from a tree.

A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask. The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.
"Aren’t you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor.
"Sure, after the police leave," replied the attorney.