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Funny Latest Jokes

I said to the gym instructor: "Can you teach me to do the splits?"
He said: "How flexible are you?"
I said: "I can't make Tuesdays."

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2016-09-14 09:54:51

I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already.

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2016-09-14 09:54:51

A man walks into a bar with a roll of Tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

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2016-09-14 09:54:51

Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?
New Jersey got to pick first.

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2016-09-14 09:54:51

What is the difference between a leech and a lawyer?
The leech stops sucking you dry after you're dead.

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2016-09-14 09:54:51

Did you hear about the lawyer who was solicited to be a Jehovah's Witness?
He refused because he didn't see the accident but said he would be interested in taking the case.

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2016-09-14 09:54:51

Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
A: To keep their ankles warm.

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2016-09-14 09:54:51

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.
"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."
"Well, tell me!" the man said.
The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."
"Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"
"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."
"If that's the good news than what's the great news?!", Mr. Wilkens demanded.
The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."

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2016-09-14 09:54:51

Q: Why don't sharks bite lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

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2016-09-14 09:54:51

Q: If a skunk and a lawyer both get hit by cars and are lying in the middle of the road, how do you tell them apart?
A: The skunk has skid marks in front of it.

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2016-09-14 09:54:51