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Funny Latest Jokes

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied,
"We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

5
2016-09-14 09:54:51

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, “Mom, what are those things on your chest?”
Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.
Johnny didn’t forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says,
“Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.” Johnny thinks that’s neat and asks no more questions.
A few weeks later, Johnny’s dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically,
“Daddy! Daddy! Mommy’s dying!” His father says, “Calm down, son! Why do you think Mommy’s dying?”
“Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy’s balloons and she’s screaming, ‘Oh God, I’m coming!’”

5
2016-09-14 09:54:51

Three men went Las Vegas and after a losing their money at the blackjack tables, the best friends decided to stay off the strip in a not so lavish hotel and the guy that owned it had 18 daughters so the first man went up to they’re father and said "can I sleep with your 18 daughters?" the father said "no but you can sleep with the pigs." the second man went to the father and said "can I sleep with your 18 daughters?" the father said " no but you can sleep with the cows." the third man said "can I sleep with your 18 daughters?" the father said "yes." so in the morning the three men and the father had a conversation over breakfast the first man said "I slept like a pig" the second man said "I slept like a cow" the third man said "I felt like a golfer" the father asked why? he said cause I got my balls in 18 holes.

5
2016-09-14 09:54:51

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion.
The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says,
"What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!". The other guy says,
"I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

5
2016-09-14 09:54:51

I went to the doctors the other day and he said: "Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu."
So I went - and I got it.

5
2016-09-14 09:54:51

I tried water polo but my horse drowned.

5
2016-09-14 09:54:51

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar.
The barman says: "Is this some kind of joke?"

5
2016-09-14 09:54:51

I went to buy camouflage trousers but I couldn't find any.

5
2016-09-14 09:54:51

Went to the doctors and said: "Have you got anything for wind?" He gave me a kite.

5
2016-09-14 09:54:51

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

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2016-09-14 09:54:51