Other funny jokes
You're so ugly that when you were born they didn't slap you they slapped your mom.
A man asks, “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?” God responded, ”So you would love her.” The man asks, “But God, why did you make her so dumb?” God replied, “So she would love you.”
An investigative journalist went to Afghanistan to study the culture and was shocked to discover that women were made to walk ten paces behind the men. She asked her guide why and he said, "Because they are considered of lesser status." Outraged the journalist went home. A year later she returned covering violence in the region and was surprised to see the women walking ten paces ahead. She turned to her guide and this time asked, "What has changed?" The guide answered, "Land mines."
Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.
The first guy says, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, young, urban, professional."
The second guy says, "I'm a DINK. You know, double income, no kids."
The third guy says, "I'm a RUB. You know, rich urban biker."
They turn to the woman and ask,
"So what are you?"
The woman replies, "I'm a WIFE. You know - Wash, Iron, F***, Etc."
China, Russia, and Poland venture to space. China says they'll go to Pluto because it's the farthest. Russia says they'll go to Jupiter because it's the biggest. Poland says they'll go to the Sun. Russia and China warn that they'll melt. They reply, "We'll go at night."
A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced “a typical Texas baby” weighing twenty pounds.
Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, “Aren’t you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?”
“Yup, shore am!”
“How much does he weigh now?”
The proud father answered, “Ten pounds.”
The bartender said, “Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds.”
The proud Texas father said, “Jest had him circumcised!”
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.
But then the wife stops and says, “I don’ t feel like it. I just want you to hold me.”
The husband says ” WHAT???” The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We ‘ll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.
And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.
The husband says “but you don ‘t even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.’
The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says ” I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. ”
The husband says, ” no no no, honey we’re not going to buy all this stuff.” The wife face goes blank.
” No honey – I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.”
Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says ” You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!”
The teacher is droning away in the classroom when he notices a student sleeping way up in the back row. The teacher shouts to the sleeping student’s neighbor, “Hey wake that student up!”
The neighbor yells back, “You put him to sleep, you wake him up!”
Her husband had been slipping in and out for a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, “You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business fell, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you gave me support.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side.”
She just smiled and held his hand.
He then continued, saying “When I think about it now, I think you bring me bad luck.”
Two young boys walk into a pharmacy one day, pick out a box of Tampax and proceed to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asks the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replies. The man continues, "Do you know what these are used for? "Not exactly," the boy says. "But they aren't for me. They're for my brother – he's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now he can't do either one."