Other funny jokes

Employee : Boss, you called me?
Boss : Yes, go to home and make love with your wife.
Employee : (After an hour) ,done sir
Boss : Do it again.
Employee : Done again, sir.
Boss : Do it once more
Employee : Now I don't have stamina for it, sir.
Boss : Very good, here are my car keys, drop my daughter at home.

One day, a 7 year old boy went to visit his grandmother. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said: "Grandma, why don't you have a boyfriend now that grandpa went to heaven?" Grandma replied: "Honey, my TV-set is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs makes me feel good and the comedies makes me laugh. I'm happy with my it as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV-set, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting knobs, trying to get it focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood his grandpa's old friend, now the grandma's minister. The minister said: "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?" The little boy replied: "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend!"

Once a woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six year old daughter and said,
"Would you like to say the blessing?" she said.
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear mommy say," the woman answered. The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

When I was young I used to pray for a bicycle. Then I realized that God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bicycle and prayed for forgiveness.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at thesky and tell me what you see" Watson replied,
"I see millions and millions of stars"
"What does that tell you?" enquired Holmes. Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful clear day tomorrow. What does it tell YOU?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, some bastard has stolen our tent"

When the follow called a motel and asked how much they charged for a room, the clerk told him that the rates depended on room size and number of people. "Do you take children?" the man asked. "No, sir" replied the clerk. "only cash and credit cards."

The doctor told the idiot to take this medicine after a hot bath. He could hardly finish drinking the bath!

Slept like a log last night.
Woke up in the fireplace.

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

One day a man walked into a bar with a peanut and a banjo. He set the banjo on the table and the banjo said, "Give me your strongest bottle of tequila." "Wow, can I buy that banjo from you?" The bartender said. "Well, sure, but it has to be around two thousand dollars." The man sold the banjo and the man next to him said, "You, idiot, you could have gotten millions!" "No I couldn't, it was actually my ventriloquist peanut that said that!"