Funny Woman jokes
Q: What is a woman doing when she is staring at a blank piece of paper?
A: Reading Her Rights!
A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license.
Policeman: "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."
Woman: "Well, I have contacts."
Policeman: "I don’t care who you know! You’re getting a ticket!"
Q: Why did God give men penises ?
A: So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy"
"I know," she replied, but what’s growing in your butt?"
Q: Why do men die before their wives ?
A: They want to.
Lord
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who’s not a creep,
One who’s handsome, smart and strong,
One who’s willy’s thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
When promises to call, he won’t wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, won’t be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! send me a man who will make love to my mind,
Knows just what to say, when I ask "How big’s my behind?"
One who’ll make love till my body’s a twitchin,
In the hall, the backyard, the garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me no end,
And never attempts to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the wanker you sent me instead.
Amen.
Q: Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women ?
A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of the passengers survived the accident. Who was the survivor??
The perfect woman! Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus, and no such thing as a perfect man.
Q: What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?
A: Money.
Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women ?
A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.