Funny Woman jokes

A lady went to see a tarot reader woman who'll predict her future:
"Lady, I'm sorry to inform you that your husband will die in the near future." 
"Don't tell me things that I already know, tell me if there would be an investigation!!"

Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."

Could you imagine if God turns out to be a woman ? Not only am I going to hell, but I will never know why.

It is difficult to understand GOD. He makes such beautiful things as women and then he turns them into Wives.

Q: Why did the woman cross the road?
A: I don't know, the real question is, why was she out of the kitchen?

Q. What book do you like the most?
A. Woman: "My husbands checkbook."

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Man comes home to his wife and says to her:
"With the new pair of glasses, you look like monster."
"But I don't have a new pair of glasses..." she replies.
"But, I do."

I once read that a woman was in a collision with a tree, whats a tree doing in the kitchen???