Funny Dirty jokes

Q: What would life be like without women?
A: A pain in the ass.

I just started a new diet. You can drink all the fruit juice you want, you can eat all the vegetables you want, and you can drink all the wine you want.
So far, I've lost 13 lbs and one driver’s license!

Johnny asks grandpa: Do you still have sex with granny?
Grandpa says: Yes, but only oral.
Johnny asks: What is oral?
Grandpa says: I say fuck you, she says fuck you too.

Guy: Want to hear a joke about my cock? Never mind, its too long.
Girl: Want to hear a joke about my vagina? Never mind, you won't get it.

A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.
On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation.
After a long period of silence..., the Priest spoke. "Well,Sister, this looks pretty grim."
"I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."
"I agree," says the Father. "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"
"Anything, Father."
"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."
"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
"Sister, would you mind if I touched them?"
She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. "Father, could I ask something of you?"
"Yes, Sister?"
"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"
"I suppose that would be OK," the Priest replied lifting his robe.
"Oh Father, may I touch it?"
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life."
"Is that true Father?"
"Yes, it is, Sister."
"Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here."

Teacher:
Can you tell me the name of three great kings who have brought
happiness & peace into people's lives?
Student:
Well, smo-king, drin-king & fuc-king.

The lesbians next door bought me a rolex for my birthday. I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch...

Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...