Funny Dirty jokes
Q: What does a vibrator and soybeans have in common?
A: They are both meat substitutes!
A railway inspector and his friend in a bar chating...
Friend: Why have you got that big smile on your face.
Railway inspector: I just had the best sex of my life!
Friend:with who?
Railway inspector: With this girl I found on the railway tracks.
Friend: Oh yeah! What did she look like?
Railway inspector: She had the most amazing body!
Friend: Oh yeah! But what did she look like?
Railway inspector: She had the most amazing legs!
Friend: But what did she look like?
Railway inspector: She had perfect breasts!
Friend: Yeah but what did she look like!
Railway inspector: Don't know never found the head.
Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
A: Something that when it gives you a blow job, it won't stop until it gets blood.
Q: What's the difference between a paycheck and your dick ?
A: You don't have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck.
Q: Why do women have tits ?
A: So men will talk to them.
Q: What's the best thing about a blow job ?
A: Ten minutes of silence.
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. "Mother, where do babies come from?"
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, "Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex."
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey."
The child seems to comprehend. "Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?"
"Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry."
A man is drinking in a bar when he notices a beautiful young lady.
"Hello there and what is your name?"
"Hello," giggles the woman, "I'm Stacey. What's yours?"
"I'm Jim."
"Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight?"
“Sure!" replies Jim.
"Let's go!"
At Stacey’s house, Jim notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk and asks,
"Is this your brother?" "No, it isn't, Jim!" Stacey giggles.
"Is it your husband?" Stacey giggles even more, "No, silly!"
"Then, it must be your boyfriend!" Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear.
She says, "No, silly!" "Then, who is it?" Stacey replies,
"That's me before my operation!"
The Smith family is driving behind a trash truck when a large dildo flies out and hits their windshield. To hide her embarrassment, the mother turns and says to her young kids,
"My, what a big insect!" Her seven year old son responds,
"Yeah, I’m surprised it could even fly with a dick that big!"
Q: What did the worm say to the caterpillar?
A: Who did you fuck for the fur coat!