Funny Dirty jokes

Life is like a penis: simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely. Than women make it hard.

I said to my son today, "I want to tell you about the facts of life, son."
"I know all about sex Dad, I'm 18." he laughed.
I said, "No, I mean about getting a job and paying rent, you lazy fucking scrounger."

As I started fucking her, she said, "Please stop. You must stop. I want you to stop."
"It's nice that she's enjoying it", I thought, "but why is she talking like a telegram?"

"If man builds a hundred bridges and suck one cock, he's not a bridge builder, he's cock-sucker"

Q: How do you know your sister is on her period?
A: Your dad´s cock tastes like blood.

I always cry after sex.
200€ is a lot of money.

Girls. If your age is on the clock, you are too young for the cock.

There was a car crash and three nuns died. They went to the Heaven. They came to St. Peter's Gate and he told them that each of them must answer his question before they can go through the gate.
St. Peter: "Question the first: What were the names of the first people on the Earth?"
Nun 1: "Adam and Eve."
St. Peter: "Correct, welcome to Heaven! Question the second: Where did they live?"
Nun 2: "In Eden." ...
St Peter: "Corect, welcome to Heaven! Question the third: What was Eve's words when she first saw Adam?"
Nun 3: "Well, that's a hard one..."
St. Peter: "Welcome to heaven!"

Two guys are stranded in the desert dying of thirst. As they're walking along they see a little shack. They run up to it and knock on the door. A big, fat, hairy, smelly, ugly, lady answers.
The first man tells the lady about their situation and begs her for a drink.
The woman says, "Sure, if you fuck me."
The first man replies, "I would rather die in this desert than sleep with your fat, smelly ass."
The second man, however, wants to live and agrees to do the deed. He and the woman enter the shack, leaving the first man outside. When they reach the kitchen, the woman says, "fuck me then!"
The man agrees to do it only if she will close her eyes. He looks around the kitchen and sees a table full of corn on the cob. He picks one up, fucks her with it and throws it out the window. The women opens her eyes and asks for it again.
The man agrees and repeats the deed. The women is finally satisfied and agrees to give the man and his friend some water. The man calls his friend in and informs him that the women is going to give them some water.
The friend replies, "Fuck the water! I want some more of that buttered corn."

"I'm not calling you a slut, but if your vagina had a password, it would be 1234."