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Funny Police jokes

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, “Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?” The kid says, “Yeah.” The cop says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike.” The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, “By the way, that’s a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?” Humoring the kid, the cop says, “Yeah, he sure did.” The kid says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top.”

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2016-09-14 09:54:51

One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town. Everywhere he saw evidences of the most amazing shooting. On trees, on walls, and on fences there were numerous bull’s-eyes with the bullet hole in dead center. The FBI man asked one of the townsmen if he could meet the person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship. The man turned out to be the village idiot. “This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen,” said the FBI man. “How in the world do you do it?” “Nothing to it,” said the idiot. “I shoot first and draw the circles afterward.”

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2016-09-14 09:54:51

Q: What kind of horse has an asshole halfway up its back?
A: A Police horse

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2016-09-14 09:54:51

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to show them what has happened. A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken straight to the first body.
'60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile Inspector', says the Coroner. The Detective is taken to the second dead man.
'25, won the lottery, spent it all on Brandy. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.' 'Nothing unusual here', thinks the Detective, and asks to be shown the last body. 'Ah,' says the coroner, 'this is the most unusual one.
30, struck by lightning. 'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Detective. To which the coroner replies : 'Thought he was having his picture taken'.

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2016-09-14 09:54:51

In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say "Stop, or I'll say stop again."

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2016-09-14 09:54:51

The sheriff of a small town was also the town’s animal Vet. One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, “Is your husband there?” “Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?” the wife asked. “Both!” was the reply. “We can’t get our dog’s mouth open, and there’s a burglar in it.”

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2016-09-14 09:54:51

A Police Officer Just pulled over a man for going 120mph. The police officer has had somewhat of a boring day, so he is excited about being able to a least give a ticket to some one...
The police officer says: "I’ve been waiting for you all day long"
The guy in the car says: "Well, I got here as quick as I could!"

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2016-09-14 09:54:51

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies.
The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”

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2016-09-14 09:54:51

Three convicts escape from prison. They make it to a nearby town but are confronted by a policeman.
"Hey, aren't you those three escaped convicts?", asked the policeman. Thinking on his feet the first convict looked around him and said
"no, I'm Mark, Mark Spencer."
The second followed his lead and said "My names is William, W H Smith."
The third said "My name is Ken... Ken Tuckyfriedchicken!"

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2016-09-14 09:54:51

This guy was working on his car when he got gas on his hand and arm. As he was driving to the Auto Shop to get some more parts, he lit a match, his arm then caught on fire and in a panic he quickly rolled down the window and stuck his arm out to extingish the flame. The police pulled him over for an illegal use of a firearm.

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2016-09-14 09:54:51