Funny Lawyer jokes

Q: What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
A: Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.

Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titantic.

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea.
The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"
She said that she did.
He asked, "Does it hurt you?"
She said no.
The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."
The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"
The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"

A young boy walked up to his father and asked,
"Dad? Does a lawyer ever tell the truth?"
The Father thought for a moment. "Yes Son," he replied, "Sometimes a lawyer will do anything to win a case."

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness.
"Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't heard the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said,
"Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out. Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.
The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said,
"Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

A group of Arab terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Hotel where the American Bar Association was holding its Annual Convention. More than a hundred lawyers were taken as hostages. The terrorist leader announced that, unless their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour.

A divorce court judge said to the husband,
"Mr Geraghty,I have reviewed this case very carefully and I've decided to give your wife $800 a week."
"That's very fair,your honour," he replied. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

Q: What do you have when you bury six lawyers up to their necks in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
A: The pronunciation!