Funny Lawyer jokes
Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three.
The balance are documented case histories.
A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented.
The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."
The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine."
Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply,
"except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards."
Q: How is an apple like a lawyer?
A:They both look good hanging from a tree.
A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask. The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.
"Aren’t you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor.
"Sure, after the police leave," replied the attorney.
A young lawyer who had taken over his father's practice rushed home totally elated.
"Dad, listen, you aren't going to believe this," he said to his father.
"I've finally settled that old Herold suit."
"Settled it!" bellowed his father. "You bumbling idiot! We've been living off of that money for over five years now!"
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.
"My name is Bob. What’s yours?" asked the first boy.
"Tom," replied the second.
"My Daddy’s an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.
Tommy replied, "My Daddy’s a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Billy.
"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.
"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."
The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers ... we had $100 when we broke in!"
Once a lawyer got a jury so confused, they sent the judge to jail.
Q: What's the difference between lawyers and vultures?
A: Lawyers accumulate frequent-flier points.