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Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who offered a solution:
'The good news is that I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need -- a new suit.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.' The salesman eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.' Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'It's my job,' the salesman said.
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see 34 sleeve and ... 16 and a half neck.' Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'It's my job.'
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about new shoes?' Joe was on a roll and said, 'Sure.' The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, 'Let's see... 9 and a half ... wide.'
Joe was astonished, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'It's my job.'
Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?' Joe thought for a second and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said,'Let's see ...size 36.'
Joe laughed, 'No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

Joe: Faints.

2016-09-14 09:54:51

It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking over the cradle when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures.
Immediately he turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus.
So he walked up to the boy and said, “Well, where did you get Him, my fine friend?”
The little boy replied, “I got him from the church.”
“And why did you take him?”
The boy said, “Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give him a ride around the block in it.”

2016-09-14 09:54:51

Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, found themselves standing before the Gates of Heaven.
St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Heaven is now overcrowded. St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I cannot answer or don't know, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven. If not, then you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. The philosopher disappeared and went to hell.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared. The mathematician read it and agreed it was correct. The mathematician also went to hell.

The idiot stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!"
The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that.

The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole."
The idiot went to Heaven.

2016-09-14 09:54:51

Q: What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels?
A:  Stegosaurus on roller skates!

2016-09-14 09:54:51

Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Frank’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going. Frank’s friends are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

“Damn man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?”
“Well, I’ve been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, ‘Guess who?’” I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose pedals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.
And then she said, “Do what ever you want.”
So, here I am.

2016-09-14 09:54:51

Q: What do you do when you see an elephant with a basketball?
A:Get out of the way!

2016-09-14 09:54:51

One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly:
"Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and
just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!

2016-09-14 09:54:51

A husband an a wife r having a fight, the man calls the woman a bitch, the woman calls the man a bastard, the son says "wats a bitch an a bastard?" The parents say "ladies an gentlemen".
The next nite they r havin sex she is saying toch my titties and he says grab my dick, the son says " wats titties an dick?" They say "hats and coats."
The next day is thanks giving and the father is shaving and cuts him self and says "SHIT" the son says wats shit? The father says its my shaving cream. The son goes down stares where his mum is cutting the turkey and stabs herself "FUCK" she says, wat does fuck mean says son, it means stuffing the turket says the mother, [ the doorbell rings], "would u get that". The son answers the door to the relatives, " ok u bitches an bastards putt your dicks and titties in the cupboard, dad is up stairs whiping the shit off his face and mum is in the kitchen fuckin the turkey."

2016-09-14 09:54:51

The fastest way of dying is 1CNRhK (One Chuck Norris roundhouse kick).

2016-09-14 09:54:51

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says
"Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

2016-09-14 09:54:51