Funny Police jokes
A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says
"Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no no!" said the man.
"I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said,
"I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said,
"What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied,
"Beer and women!"
A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.
[Unlikely lines from a superhero movie] Just call the police.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Policeman: I'm afraid that I'm going to have to lock you up for the night.
Man: What's the charge officer?
Policeman: Oh, there's no charge. It's all part of the service.
A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph! Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him.
The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked at the trooper and said,
"Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida state trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."
The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day."
Tim: The crime in my neighborhood is really bad.
Robert: How bad is it?
Tim: It’s so bad, the other night I forgot my key to the house and the burglar had to let me in.
A cop stops a drunk wandering the streets at 4 in the morning. “Can you explain why you are out at this hour?” The drunk replies “if I would be able to explain myself, I would have been home by now.”