Funny Doctor jokes

Good morning, doctor.
Good morning.
What's the trouble?
My shins, doctor. Look.
Good heavens. They're all hacked to pieces. Looks as if everyone's been kicking you. What have you been playing - soccer or rugby? 
Bridge.

I went to the doctors the other day and he said: "Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu."
So I went - and I got it.

Went to the doctors and said: "Have you got anything for wind?" He gave me a kite.

Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up, something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription?
Doctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill.

A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient.
"I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today." the caller said.
"Are you light-headed? " my colleague asked.
"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."

A pregnant woman went to the gynecologist, and when asked that was the problem, she responded, "Well, whenever I take off my clothes, my nipples get hard."
Shocked, the doctor took a deep breath, then asked, "Your nipples get hard?"
"Yes" quite innocently came her reply.
"Undress so I can check" replied the still amazed doc. So, she undressed, and he got down to the feeling and massaging, trying to reach an answer. After some considerable time, the doctor, still looked puzzled, said,
"Well madame, I don't know what you have, but it sure as hell is contagious!"

A woman says to her husband that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her,
"Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery." She asks,
"How do I do it without surgery?" Her husband answers,
"Just rub toilet paper between them."
"How does that make them bigger?", she asks.
"I don't know, but it certainly worked for your ass."

A woman went in to see a therapist and said,
"I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out an outrageous yell."
"My dear," the doctor said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "he keeps waking me up!"

Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

The Smiths were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Smith made it clear he was in a big hurry. "No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered, "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."
"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"
Mr. Smith turned to his wife. "Show him, honey."